But I Don't Wanna Get Out of the Boat!

I just recently started reading If You Want to Walk on Water, You've got to get out of the Boat by John Ortberg. It seems to be a really good book about not being afraid to talk good risks.

I've finished the first chapter and concluded that I’m not ready to get out of the boat-- again. So I put the book down for now. I’m just not ready. I like my boat, winds waves and all.

I've never walked on water like Peter and Jesus have, but I've had my fair share of steps and even leaps of faith—from becoming a Christian to going to AIM, to moving to California. 

So, I know I can do it. But I’m not just ready for more. 

I need a longer recovery time from big changes the older I get. Sigh. Yes, I just admitted I’m getting older.

Honestly, I don’t like big changes in my life. I don’t like moving. I've lived in six different states in my life, three of them twice, and one foreign country. I’m comfortable being in one place where I have established friends, a good reliable job, a church I’m connected to, a community I know how to navigate around without a gps.

AIM was a leap of faith for me. When I’d heard about AIM , within two weeks, I'd quit my job, had about half of my support and was on my way to Lubbock. It was an answer to a prayer I’d prayed months earlier—just not really what I was expecting, but better!

Deciding to date Steve, who is now my husband, was a leap of faith. I’d been hurt a lot in the past. I was comfortable with myself being single, but I really liked Steve and knew he was the one I’d been praying for. And now we’re married and still growing in our faith and marriage.

I wonder what the other disciples would have done if Peter or even Jesus invited the others to get out of the boat that miserable night on the lake. Survival was their priority. Would they have gotten out, too? Even after they saw Peter walking towards Jesus?

Maybe the fact that Peter was sinking reaffirmed to the disciples in the boat that they had made the wise choice to stay in the confines of ‘safety’—‘cuz you know, that boat was impervious to the destruction from the wind and the waves! They did survive. They got to the other side of the lake. And I wonder what thoughts were going through their minds.

Did they think Peter would be immortalized because he’d gotten out of the boat?  Did they have doubts because they stayed in the boat? What possible rewards or benefits did the others see that Peter received because he got out of the boat? He got wet. He started to sink in the water. What lessons did they learn from it? Were they jealous of Peter? Did it even affect them that Peter got out of the boat in the midst of a perilous storm that was about to tear their boat apart and leave them to survive being tossed by the waves?

I know that sometimes faith happens in small doses so that we can take those leaps of faith in the big things later on. Each growth moment in AIM was to prepare me for something bigger later.

The older I get, the more comfortable I’m getting—even in my faith building moments. I’m not an adventure seeker. I’m not a risk taker. I don’t like change. (It doesn’t help that my introverted personality inhibits that kind of faith taking plunge.) 

Routine is my stability. It brings me peace to know I can count on certain things every day. 

So, it’s hard for me to ask God to change me because I know that means opportunities to grow in those areas will come—and they will be hard. How do I know that? Well, from past experience. I was sent to a place once where I was challenged to speak out boldly against sin and to stand up for God—all because I’d once prayed to be uncomfortable so I can grow in my faith and character. Yep, that was my prayer. And those were some  hard months to endure. I’d wanted to give up being a Christian because I was tired of struggling. I was tired of fighting Satan.

I was worn out.  

But I held on because I knew that God is real and that if I gave up on Him what that meant. And God was faithful to give me strength through my brothers and sisters in Christ who were standing up with me. 

I wasn’t alone. 

I never have been in any faith leaping decisions. God has always provided support from my church family. Always. Even when I didn’t specifically ask. But because my heart and mind were focused on the things of God, He kept me walking on the water.

So what will motivate me to get out of the boat? I don’t know yet. I know from my past experiences that getting out of the boat in faith is hard. And that the journey is often hard. But that Jesus is always there to help me to stay afloat—drowning is not an option—no matter how much I feel like I am. 

Good thing my feelings don’t dictate and determine reality!

I’ve been asking myself the questions, “What is it that I need to get out of the boat for? What do I need to do that’s a step of faith?” I can’t even find an answer to those questions.

And so I wait patiently in the boat for Jesus to walk by on the water. And hopefully when that moment comes, I’m ready to get out in the wind and the waves and walk out to Him. I haven’t prayed that prayer yet for God to put something in my life to where I need to get out of the boat in faith because I’m just not ready.

So, the little faith baby steps are what I’m taking each day. Like taking a short road trip to be with my friend whose grandma died when I didn’t have the money to really do so. She needed a friend and I wanted to be there for her. Like getting up in the morning and praying anyways, thanking God for the blessings he’s given to me. Like looking for a job in faith that pays well enough to pay the bills, and yet gives me a ministry purpose and reason to look forward to going to work. And still I look, and wait in faith for the storm to come, for the wind and waves to come crashing down and Jesus to walk by to help me.

I think the reason I’m not ready is because my cup is still very empty. “For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” And I am not overflowing with God because I’ve not been spending time I need to be with Him to be filled up. I’ve been involved in so much giving in ministry these past several years that I’ve not stopped to truly let my cup fill to overflow. I give out of what I should be nourishing myself with first. And that’s run me dry.

And so, maybe that’s the reason I’m not faced with a faith challenging battle. I’m not ready because I don’t have the strength to fight right now. I need for God to fill me up to the brim and then some, so that out of that overflow I may have the abundance to give to others. Or maybe I just don’t want to open my eyes wide enough to see the opportunities God’s already put in front of me.Maybe it 's both. 

And so as I’m spending time with God through prayer, his word and the church, he’ll be filling my cup up. And when that time comes, I plan on getting out of the boat—and maybe even finish reading that book.